Recently,
I have felt invigorated by all the support I have been receiving for my blog.
It has been a breath of fresh air, as cliché as that sounds. I wrote in my
first post “The Beginning” that the onset of this semester was a challenging
period for me. I felt unmotivated by school. I felt like an outsider in my own
life. I didn't know where I belonged. I did not know what I was “supposed to be
doing”.
I know
now. And it is, creating meaning as my nimble fingers perform a tango across
the keyboard of this humble laptop. It is being the author of this blog.
I have
never done this before but a friend reached out to me and asked if I “needed an
article for my blog”. It turns out that this week has been specifically trying
for me to write. I have so many ideas ricocheting off the confines of my mind.
But I am having trouble transforming those ideas into coherent words. So when she sent me this message, a little
lantern appeared in the distance. I am so thankful that she offered up her
story. I think it is a very powerful piece that an extensive audience could
relate to. I will share her work and give my thoughts on the situation as well.
This
piece has been a combined effort between my dear friend and I. I made some
edits to her original piece while still maintaining her style. This, is Kelly’s
reflection…
I've been trying to figure out myself
ever since I can remember: Who am I? What do I want? Who do I want? The list is
endless it seems. Now I am 20 years old and I still have no idea who I am, what
I want or who I want. I've been in a serious committed relationship with my
boyfriend (we’ll call him X) for four and a half years. We met when I was a
sophomore in high school and he was a junior.
We've been attached at the hip ever since. I was 15 when I started
dating X and I had no idea what I was doing, but I sure acted like I did. I
didn't know what it means to be a good girlfriend. I didn't know how much was
going to be asked of me in the next 4 and a half years. So here I am now, a
junior in college, and I've never been so lost.
Being with
someone for a long time is difficult, to say the least. And if we’re being completely
honest, it gets boring, repetitive, annoying and taxing. At some point just
touching the other person is nearly impossible, let alone enjoyable. How did we
get like this? That’s the question I ask myself daily. It is dispiriting to
know that I don’t have a brilliant solution for it all. Like I said…I’m lost.
The word “lost”
can mean a lot of different things, to many different people. To me, it means
not having a secure sense of self. Somehow over the course of my relationship
with X I've completely and totally emptied myself of my identity and refilled
myself with him. I can’t separate the two now. It’s like we’re a piece of
cloth, so tightly woven together that I can’t pull apart my own fibers from
his. Your cloth is yourself, it’s what makes you you. It is perfect the way it is, whether or not
you believe it. And right now I don’t believe it, and that’s an appalling spot
to be in. It affects everything that I do. It makes doubting myself as simple
and effortless as making a PB&J.
I have so much anger and resentment
built up that I cannot seem to let go. Losing my sense of self has saturated me
with insecurities, depression, issues with body image, and hatred for anything
and everything. I’m sure like most people, I can’t help but compare my
relationship to ones I see in movies or in public. I gaze upon those
relationships with jealous eyes, knowing that they have something that I don’t.
They appear to be so happy, beautifully consumed by one another and most importantly
healthy. I analyze my relationship and see only loss of interest, hatred and
distance. Why can’t I get my boyfriend to look at me the way Noah looks at
Allie in The Notebook??
This
constant comparison only fuels my depression and drives my insecurities deeper
and deeper until I can’t even bear to look at myself in the mirror. I've
spiraled so far down into this black hole of a shit relationship and I can’t dig
myself out of it. For anyone lucky enough not to know what this feels like, it
is undeniably handicapping like you wouldn't believe. When you place all of your
eggs in one basket that has a hole, it is almost inevitable that you will lose
them all.
I have this
huge, ugly ego that makes forgiveness excruciating. I have more pride than a fucking
pack of lions and I’m probably the most stubborn person I that I know. These
qualities will send you straight to relationship jail if you don’t get your
shit together quickly. That is where I've been circa 2010. This “relationship
jail”, to say it nicely, makes being with you much less than pleasant. My
relationship has proven to be a messy web of failed attempts at starting over.
I've tried
the whole “doin me” gig and it is more strenuous than it looks. I’m always
looking for help with my relationship: self-help books, articles, advice from
friends, advice from strangers, you name it. All that crap you read on Facebook like “How
to Rekindle Your Love Life” is one big cheesy lie. You’re supposed to somehow drop all the
baggage you've been carrying for YEARS and start over? Does anyone know how
hard that actually is? Verbal abuse, hurting, resentment, anger, insecurities,
bad decisions and low self-esteem creates a pretty hefty size burden. And if
this burden was formed over years of time, how it can take just days to
diminish? When I read articles that fork up relationship advice like: hold
hands more, have more sex, love deeper, become best friends again, ride a
roller coaster together and all that BS it creates the delusion that
relationships can be a simple fix. If that were true, I sure as hell would fix
it! I don’t know anyone who deserves a fresh start more than X and I do. We've struggled so hard to “make it work” but
it’s been nothing but beating the dead horse. We have had countless
heart-to-hearts where we devise this plan to allow us to love each other again
and we feel so full and great… give it 24 hours and we’re back at each other’s
throats. So, I guess the question presents itself: when do you know if it’s the
right time to give up or to continue to try working things out?
X and I
have been at a crossroad for a of couple years now and when I see my
relationship with him written out on paper, the answer seems so brazenly
obvious…LEAVE! I wish it were that easy. I would pay SERIOUS money to make it
that easy but that’s not the way life works. That’s not a fun pill to swallow. Part of me
knows I should walk away and never look back but I’m too afraid to do that. The
idea of leaving the one and only love I've ever had and entering into the real
world again crushes me to the core. It brings me to my knees in tears. I know
anyone older and wiser than myself would tell me that, “It will all be okay and
you’ll move on”, but this huge part of me doesn't want to believe that.
X deserves
someone great, someone special and life changing; he deserves support, love,
intimacy, forgiveness, and everything that’s good under these skies. I deserve
all that too! Shit, everyone deserves that!
But is it actually attainable? Are the relationships I observe on
day-to-day bases really all that great or are they facades like my relationship
is too? X and I are great actors, we perform daily and we've fooled a lot of
people. But if we’re being honest, we hate more than we ever love.
Not even a
year into my relationship with X I was making plans, serious plans. I wanted to
be married by 25 and have at least one kid before I was 30. I wanted to live in
a trailer on a huge piece of property because size never mattered to me. I
wanted an easy life. I didn't care about money or fancy cars or clothes, I just
wanted him, in his most natural form. I wanted pure bliss with him and I still
do, it just seems so unreachable. How is it possible to lose yourself so much,
to get so derailed from everything you thought you were and wanted? When did
life get so freaking hard?
Relationships
are one of the most difficult things you will ever do in your life. Everything
is against you from the start. The world we live in now makes being in a healthy
relationship harder than an obese kid trying to complete a triathlon. Social
media sits right at your fingertips and makes voyeurism a socially acceptable
thing. Every couple looks happy and in love. You are forced to believe that EVERYONE
is doing better than you are. Studies have actually proven that you are more
likely to become depressed if you view social media often. Movies these days
are filled with porn-like love scenes and perfectly sculpted women and the
standard for what a woman “should be” these days is absolutely absurd. But we
all buy into it! We are all guilty of seeing what the world believes is
beautiful and internalizing it as self-loathing. We look at ourselves and
notice insignificant flaws and we develop a hatred for our body, mind, and
spirit. It is hideous and I hate it more than anything. I want respect for both
men and women. I believe that love is a gift God gave us here on earth to illustrate
just a miniscule fraction of what His love is really like. We must get out of
society’s mindset in order to be satisfied with ourselves again because what we
are taught relationships should be like these days is disturbing.
My journey
to being happy again is going to be a long, treacherous one but I have to accept
myself before I begin. I am a 20-year-old in a 30-year-old body. Pickup lines
and frat parties don’t amuse me and they never will. To me, one-night stands
are trashy and distasteful and I will never lose hope for finding a love that
is extraordinary. I know more about real-life than I would prefer. When you've
been with someone since you were 15, maturing prematurely is almost a given.
Sitting here writing this, I don’t know if I’m
single or not. And I don’t know when
I’ll start loving myself again. The one thing I still have is hope. No matter who you are or what situation you are in, it does not have to end here. There is
always hope for today and most certainly hope for tomorrow. Don’t worry about getting answers for all
your questions. Drop the idea of instant gratification because life’s a Bitch
and she don’t roll that way. Love the spot you’re in right at this very moment
and stop convincing yourself that you are supposed to be somewhere else. Accept
yourself and the things you cannot change. You can always start over but you
can never change your cloth. (Kelly 2014)
I chose to share Kelly’s article because I think it
coincides with my philosophy about learning to be a “whole” person.
The need to form relationships is not a learned characteristic
of human beings. According to Floyd’s
Communication
Matters 2nd. Ed., forming relationships is an innate characteristic of
humans. We NEED relationships, healthy relationships that is. As I have
previously written in
“That Bitch Called Breakup”, many people have the
tendency to feel “complete” once they meet “the one”. As someone who has been
in a serious, committed relationship for 4 years as well, I KNOW how easy it is
to permit that kind of thinking. You almost have to catch yourself and say, “No.
I am my OWN person. I am the owner of my identity.” If you adopt the identity
of “your person”, then they might as well be in a relationship with his/herself!
Kelly’s cloth metaphor is an excellent perspective. Imagine
the cloth as a garment. Allowing yourself to be completed by your romantic partner
is like cutting a small unnecessary piece of their garment and clothing
yourself with it. You abandon all of your attire that has been acquired over
years and years of personal growth. If that person must leave the picture, you
are left naked. Nude. Stripped…physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. Now
you have the daunting task of regaining that wardrobe you had built up your
entire life.
Accepting your cloth and dismissing
the crippling body issues is the equivalent to regaining your socks and shoes.
Now at least you are not barefoot. You can walk upon the rugged road sans the
pain in your feet.
Seeking help is like putting on
your pants. Being able to look in the mirror and say, “I have self-worth. I am
beautiful. My cloth is perfect” is like buckling up that old sturdy leather
belt.
Continuing on the journey is like
putting on the undershirt. Taking the necessary steps and taking it each day at
a time.
Finally, when you can love
yourself, ALL of yourself, everything that is you, that is when you button up
the shirt and are fully clad in YOUR identity cloth.
(My “lost” story)
After my senior year is high
school, I studied abroad in Madrid, Spain. It proved to be one of the most
challenging, exhilarating, interesting, heart-breaking, uplifting and rewarding
years of my life. I had been planning on traveling across the seas for years
before I made the voyage. There was only ONE thing that contributed to the
anxious dreams at night. The ones where I would run off the plane and could not
follow through…my love wouldn't be coming with me. Leaving the comfort of his
arms in tears at the airport was still one of the most agonizing things I have
ever done. This may seem dramatic. I can assure you it is not. Perhaps I have
not experienced much agony in my life, for this I am eternally grateful. But
being away from him hurt in places that I didn't know were there. Somehow I mustered
up the strength and courage to leap into the unknown. I flew to Spain.
My boyfriend and I were in a long
distance relationship for 10 solid months. We were 4,000 miles and a 6 hour
time difference apart. We communicated through Skype and texts. Some nights I
could barely find the strength to hit the end call button on my screen. My computer morphed into inescapable metal
bars. I just wanted to reach out and grab him, like the Wonka bar in Charley
and the Chocolate Factory.
After about 5 months, I hit a low
point in my trip. I was begging my mother to book a plane ticket for me. I had
never felt so “lost” or alone. I just wanted to go home.
After several weeks of
self-reflection and critical thinking I came to the conclusion, “What would I
do at home?” My boyfriend is a year younger so he was in his Senior year of
high school. Would I wait desperately every day for him to come frolicking home
from school? Would I go back to my same job and work every day? I hadn't
applied to college yet so further education wasn't an option. I thought, “I
chose to do this for a reason. This is for me. I have to be able to do
something on my own.” I figured if I could continue to grow and mature, then I
would have so much more to offer. I could be a better person for my boyfriend
and for myself.
I ended up sticking it out. Now, I
speak and write another language fluently. Speaking Spanish has become so dear
to my heart. It is one of my favorite qualities about myself. I can connect
with many more people. I have seen parts of the world that many have never or
may never experience. I honestly feel like my intelligence is far more
developed. And when my boyfriend adorably tries to speak sweet words to me in
Spanish, my heart melts.
Going to Spain was definitely a
burden for my relationship with my boyfriend. It was hard as hell at times to
not just hop on a plane home. I am so thankful for all his support and
encouragement. He was my warrior during that year. He knew that I needed to do
it. Now we still live apart in two different cities. He desired so badly to go
to school in Orlando. Of course I did not want to be apart from him again. It
hurt just thinking about inviting that pain back into my life after 10 lengthy
months of it. But I could never have the capacity to stand in his way. I want
him to grow and experience just as I did. I never want to be the one that dims
down his luminous light.
We had to choose to live for ourselves
while loving the other. We love each other and would do ANYTHING for one
another, except cut away each other’s cloth.
To quote another one of my favorite
pieces of literature, The Perks of Being
a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky, “I would die for you. But I won’t live for you.”
Now please do not take this as a: my
relationship is better than your relationship. This is not my intention. I am grateful
that Kelly has come to the conclusion that her cloth is beautifully constructed
and just as important as anyone else’s. And in order to create a healthy
relationship, both parties must believe this. I hope that she discovers her
rightful path. Maybe her and X will try once more. Perhaps not. Only they can know.
But if they do “start over” once more, they MUST maintain their own identities
and learn to love more than hate.
Live each day with a purpose. LOVE
yourself. Maintain your WHOLE self. Your relationships will be so much more
invincible if you cherish your cloth first.
Elsie <3
